Fictitious Fashion | It All Comes Down to Numbers

 

What was I doing but minding my own business while browsing through a wall of graphic novels at Forbidden Planet when this incredibly gorgeous (total sarcasm) dude comes up to me, grabs me by the arm and screams "Are you some type of J. Scott Campbell creation or what?!" 

 

Naturally, I yanked myself free from his grubby little paws and I stared back at him wondering if I should just punch him in the face or just walk away.

I decide to bite the bait he ever so rudely dumped on top of the exclusive black leather, red suede Jeffrey Campbell for Ashbury Skies slingbacks I just got in the mail (thanks, R29 Reserve!) the other day. 

 

Let me back up. I'm sure you're wondering why a slice like me is fiddling around in a comic book store but there's a perfectly reasonable explanation: I need a man and I need one fast. Not just any weight lifting douche lord but someone that might have a brain inside of his head.

 

See, I'm going home upstate for some type of high school reunion even though we just graduated two years prior but that's not the point. I moved to the city for college but quickly found that I would rather study a man's bank account and then going shopping accordingly. 

 

Naturally, I could not report this to my former classmates so I decided to go back home "loving life as a co-ed" and settled into a "fantastic relationship with a really smart guy." Technically, I was still enrolled. The only thing I needed, as I said above, was a man.

 

"Yes, I am a J. Scott Campbell creation. What's your IQ," I asked him. He chortled (a word I never thought I would use) and it made my skin crawl. He said 136 and that sounded low to me but I don't really know what constitutes a good IQ score so I nodded as if he had just told me he was a millionaire. 

 

Two awfully long make-out sessions later and he agreed to come home with me. Even though we stayed in the state of New York, the drive home from Manhattan felt like we had traveled across a bridge to China…while being shat on by elephants…during an earthquake. 

 

It was that painful.