Free Advice: Don’t Let These Girls Ruin Your Life

July 19, 2015

I don’t know if you would have classified them as mean girls but The Six definitely did not go out of their way to befriend others. If you know anything about lions, you know that they stick together. In a pride, the female lions will band together and refuse the entry of all outside females not associated with their pack. That is probably the best way to describe what The Six were like: strong, courageous creatures who captured our attention but terrified us at the same time. They, with their flawless skin, boner-inducing fit bodies and perfectly assembled ensembles, ruled the campus in a way that one might only assume was possible on the big screen or within the pages of a Young Adult novel.

The Six all collectively and consistently dressed in retro looks that served as a sort of spotlight for whenever they strutted through campus as a group or on the rare, solo excursion. These girls always traveled together and I was surprised when I discovered none were related. They were the best examples of what it means to build a family of one’s choice. It was actually inspiring how they came together and decided to be there for one another no matter what. On the flip side, it was also unnerving because their energy when together was almost suffocating.

Even with their very distinct style, there was never any mistaking who the ringleader was. Josephine “Bang-Bang” Williams, operated with a blonde afro and did her best to stay in a skirt to show off the best pair of legs our campus has ever seen. I once worked part-time at the bank downtown and nearly lost consciousness when Bang-Bang walked into the empty lobby. She wore a red, blue and yellow plaid skirt that fell just above her knees, a white blouse tucked in and a loud pink sweater layered on top. The gentle music that normally tumbles from the bank’s shitty sound system seemed to pause so everyone inside could hear Bang-Bang clack across the tiled floor and saunter right up to my window.

I started to get a hard-on.

“I need to make a deposit. Got some email about insufficient funds in my checking account?” she asked, her eyebrows raised at me as if I were the one who drafted the email and hit the ‘send’ button myself. I nodded sympathetically while immediately processing the fact that not only was Bang-Bang not the prettiest of The Six (that title rightfully belonged to Erika “Twix” Johnson with, you guessed it, the second-best pair of legs earth has ever laid their eyes upon) but she clearly wasn’t the richest either.

I suggested simply transferring a small amount of money from her shockingly meager savings account and let her know it was good that she came in when she did. If she had waited a day or so longer, she would have started to get hit with insufficient fund fees. She squinted her eyes at me which shut me up on the spot. I printed a receipt showing her new balances, she snatched it from my fingers and spun on her heels to walk out without so much as saying “thank you.”

That weekend, I was at the park stretched out on the lawn most frequented by university students. Icona Pop’s “Clap Snap” was playing from my iPhone as I flipped through a magazine waiting for a friend to come join me. With my head bobbing along to the music, I began reading a ludicrous article that lured me in with the promise of sharing the six best tips a man can now ask his female partner for anal sex and/or a threesome. On Tip #2 (Get In Good With Her Friends), someone stood in front of me casting a shadow in the process. I glanced up thinking it would be my friend but it was Bang-Bang. The other members of The Six were nowhere to be found and I was glad for that. I’m not sure how I would have reacted having all of them directing their attention towards me at once.

“Who are you listening to?” Bang-Bang asked me.

“Icona Pop.”

“Oh, yeah, yeah. I like them. New song?”

“…yeeeaaaa. Um. What’s up?”

Bang-Bang gracefully collapsed onto the blanket next to me and looked directly into my eyes. She smiled for a few moments without saying a word. No, she wasn’t the prettiest of The Six but the girl was absolutely stunning. Her smile was so stunning that it made my heart ache and I wondered what a guy like me would have to do to be with a girl her like her. I’m glad I was laying on my stomach because I could feel my little guy trying to stand at attention.

“I’ve seen you around campus before,” she finally said.

Those six words almost made me orgasm.

“…and I know you’re not a completely lost cause. You’re cute, even.” Bang-Bang continued. “But if you ever mention to anyone what was discussed yesterday at the bank, I will ruin your fucking life.”

That, ladies and gentlemen, is not how you make a guy lose his boner. That is how you make him stiffen up a little bit more at the sheer thought that Josephine “Bang-Bang” Williams has had you on her mind in any capacity.

No, The Six were not necessarily mean girls but you definitely didn’t want to get on any of their bad sides. Especially Bang-Bang’s.

Ajak Deng, Anais Mali, Binx Walton, Amilna Estevao, Aya Jones and Tami Williams photographed by  Emma Summerton for W Magazine August 2015


Fictitious Fashion is a flash fiction series that finds inspiration from imagery found in fashion magazines and brand campaigns.

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